Some days I am Crankypants

Here are things that are annoying, that I generally don’t bring up to the person, because by the time it annoys me, the deed is done.  But I wish people would just STOP.

1.Stop walking in the street when the sidewalk is clear.

2.Stop naming your children with prefixes and suffixes that mean “son of.” Especially your girls. It’s stupid enough to name your son “Jackson” (Jack’s son) when the father isn’t even named Jack, but what the hell would possess someone to name a daughter Emerson?  Or MacKenzie?  The movie Splash! started a trend with girls being named Madison, but that was so long ago people don’t even remember: IT WAS A JOKE. The joke was that no one would ever name a girl after a street, and certainly would not name a girl Matt’s son.

3.Stop printing obituary pictures with live people in them. It’s creepy. Glad you had a happy marriage. Now get out photoshop and crop it till only the dead person shows.

  1. Stop clicking my answering machine. The damned thing takes messages. That’s what it is there for. Leave a message at the tone, and so help me, if all you say is “This is so and so, call me,” rather than leaving information or whatever your question is, I will not only not call you, I will make fun of you in my blog. Like I am right now.

5.Stop stealing library books. They are free to begin with.

6.Stop quoting the Bible if you haven’t read it. Yourself. While we are at it, stop using it to justify your own prejudices. Jesus was completely neutral on marriage equality, abortion, and the Confederate flag. He came down pretty hard on hypocrites, though.

7.Stop jabbering on to me on your cell if there is bad service. Find a land line.

8.Stop using your turn signal after you are already in the turn. The whole idea is to tell the people around you what you are about to do BEFORE you do it.  It is a safety thing, not an affirmation: I’m turning now! Whooopeeeee! Look at ME!

9.Stop telling me that invasive and time-wasty procedures on hold are for my own good. “To insure quality customer service, this call may be monitored.” If you cared about customer service there wouldn’t be a 12 minute hold time. Quality customer service also does not rise when you make me tell somebody who gets paid 2 bucks over minimum wage my Social Security number and my mother’s maiden name. Also work will not make us free.

10.Stop simplifying individual traits into lazy generalities. “He’s all boy!” is every bit as offensive as, “Chinks sure can do math!”


2 thoughts on “Cranky

  1. I read through this twice to make sure I don’t do any of these things. And I don’t! So now I feel proud of myself for never having named anything Madison, always leaving detailed messages, and returning library books on time (or, ok, sometimes… very close to on time). Thanks!


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